You can probably still picture her: your best friend's hot mother, your aunt with the mysterious (and frequently changing) boyfriends, your sexpot neighbor who was astonishingly careless with the venetian blinds. They defined sex for you at an age when you couldn't even find it in the dictionary. They were the women who had accumulated a kind of experience no man can: the knowledge of what works, and what doesn't, through long, comparative experience of sex with a variety of partners.
It may seem presumptuous to say it, but I am such a woman. I have a sexual history in the Santayana sense: I have learned from it, because I don't want to be doomed to repeat anything. Novelty, after all, is the only reliable aphrodisiac; I make sure that my partners have a ready supply. Perhaps that's why Cosmopolitan magazine asked me to be its online sex expert. In that capacity, I've given an entire generation of young women instruction in what to look for in a man -- both clothed and un-. And if they're benefiting from my experience, why shouldn't you?
Below, you'll find my advice for men who would like to love more, and better. I'll give you the general principles of pleasure, then the finer points of bringing it about. Master both and you'll be the one she's been looking for all along -- whether you've been together for 20 minutes or 20 years.
Four Laws of Love
Check your ego at the door
Do not ask a woman if you're the best she's ever had, or any version of that question. An honest answer may disappoint you. The key to quality lovemaking is to concentrate on being the best you've ever been. You'll be less self-conscious -- and more effective.
Be more presentable
Waitresses might still ogle the guy with the rumpled frat-boy look, but that act gets old once a man hits his late 20s. To play in the big leagues, you need a pressed shirt, shined shoes, and an aroma of something other than stale beer. You may also want to sign up for Fine-Dining Etiquette 101. Women love a man who knows how to eat -- even better if he can cook.
Find out which direction she's looking
A quality woman will be turned on not by what you've done, but by what you hope to accomplish. There's nothing quite so sexy as a young guy on the verge, with plans and dreams and elaborate schemes. If a woman seems more interested in your past and present than in your future, well then -- the only future she's really invested in is her own.
Develop a signature move
Every man ought to do at least one thing really, really well. Here are a few that I've encountered:
The precoital massage. As a warmup to the main event, start by massaging the length of her legs, from her upper thighs down to her ankles. Then focus on the feet, kneading her heels and all other points beneath. Then zero in on the toes and stretch them individually. Of course, if her impeccable hygiene encourages you to suck her toes, you'll have her in ecstasy.
The neck bite. By biting into a fleshy area along the top of her shoulders, flaring out from the back of the neck, you will bring out the animal in her. Lie with her in a spooning position. Gently bite into the curve of flesh on either side of her neck, taking a generous amount of it into your mouth; alternate between pressure and suction. Writhing and cooing are good responses; screaming and threats mean you've taken the Cujo act too far.
The figure-8 tongue technique. When you're at her service down below, work the supersensitive area around her clitoris in a figure-8 pattern. Arouse her with gentle sucking until the little button swells, then carefully expose the area with your fingers. Use the slippery underside of your tongue to circle it to the left and then to the right. With the rougher top side of the tongue, flick from right to left and then up and down. Finally work up to figure 8s, alternating between your tongue's smooth underside and firmer tip. Constantly vary the degrees of pressure you use.
Latin-style thrusting. Latin lovers often thrust in a circular motion. Whether they got that from salsa dancing, or salsa got it from the thrusting pattern, we'll never know. Either way, it not only creates a good internal massage, but provides the right friction on her hot spots as well as around the vaginal opening. Rotary motion also gives the woman a feeling of more volume -- of truly being filled.
The Fine Points
The sophisticated lover . . .
• Always presents himself as a man with a plan. For dinner. For the weekend in Paris. For the urgent lunchtime rendezvous at his place.
• Buys his lover lingerie and asks her to wear it for him immediately.
• Feeds his partner either before or after sex.
• Carries CDs with him to her place -- music that inspires him to action. Knows just the right tunes to get her going.
• Keeps sex a private matter. It's a pleasure conspiracy of two, and only two.
• Brings his woman sex toys as little gifts, and wants to try them out right then.
• Observes classic etiquette as if it's second nature, not a self-conscious attempt at chivalry. He opens the car door for her. At a restaurant, he always gives her the seat facing into the room, not the wall. Asks her what she'd like to eat and then orders for both of them. He manages the whole dining situation with one goal in mind: to make her comfortable and satisfied.
• Uses all available technology to rev up the flirtation when they're apart.
• Spares her the details of his past love affairs. Keeps the recriminations to a minimum and simply synopsizes in one line: "We weren't right for each other." And doesn't probe for specifics of her past affairs -- especially not for sexual details or number of lovers.
• Undresses with a sensual ease. Removes his T-shirt with one fluid movement, by putting one arm back, yanking the shirt from the collar. Can go from clothed to naked in seconds and never gets caught in his shorts and socks.
• Knows how to unlatch the trickiest bra or bikini bathing-suit top, from the front-hook version (pull together and down) to the snap-back closing (push sides in opposite directions until they snap apart and lift off).
• Tells his lover with creative invention, and ardor, what he loves about her body.
• Doesn't whine about using a condom.
• Refrains from asking obvious -- or self-inflating -- questions like, "Am I hurting you?" and, "Am I too big for you?"
• Constantly expands the couple's sexual repertoire together. Makes it a collaboration between equals in search of the ultimate.
• Engages in after-play -- spooning or light massage -- that serves as foreplay.
• Observes proper morning etiquette: gets up and dressed and walks her to her car or flags her a cab, even if he is almost asleep. Pays for the cab or parking fee.
• Makes the morning-after call, knowing this turns the corner from postcoital bliss to a renewed seduction
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